Why is it that sometimes doing the things we know we love, and we know are good for us, is like pulling fucking teeth? Lately I’ve been struggling with motivation. Sometimes I like to blame it on the weather--its the rain! or the heat! but really, its me. Sometimes I feel the need to shame myself--like ‘goddammit kendall, kick it into gear!’ but what really needs to happen is some self-love and reflection. like why are you feeling so uninspired? why does everything feel like such a struggle? Why are simple choices met with such paralyzing anxiety? I feel such a pressure to ‘do something with my life.’ And yet I feel uninspired to ‘do’ anything.
Maybe it’s because I’ve spent the majority of my life with some illusory ‘grand plan.’ go to grad school, become a psychologist, make all the money, have all the babies. voila! But in a past few years these societally driven ideas about where I once thought my life should go now fell all wrong. It’s like one day I woke up and realized, “i’m drinkin the damn koolaid!” And I’ve never been able to turn back. I’ve tried to follow my heart, my intuition, but its not the most reassuring of tools when you have to pay rent and when your parents are wondering why you are going to india to study yoga instead of applying for the doctoral program.
why all this pressure to become people of importance? I feel like if I let that shit go I could lead a pretty contented life. Which is in essence all I want.
why this need to have a ‘calling?’ Do you think all people are born knowing what their calling is? this isnt reassuring in the present. and I dont know how many TED talks I have to watch about finding your passion (they don’t fucking help). but I do know that this, right here--this checking-in with myself is helpful. The consistent examination of the unfolding of my consciousness prioritizes a sense of being, as opposed to a sense of doing.
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