The Layers--by Stanley Kunitz

 

I have walked through many lives,

some of them my own,

and I am not who I was,

though some principle of being

abides, from which I struggle

not to stray.

When I look behind,

as I am compelled to look

before I can gather strength

to proceed on my journey,

I see the milestones dwindling

toward the horizon

and the slow fires trailing

from the abandoned camp-sites,

over which scavenger angels

wheel on heavy wings.

Oh, I have made myself a tribe

out of my true affections,

and my tribe is scattered!

How shall the heart be reconciled

to its feast of losses?

In a rising wind

the manic dust of my friends,

those who fell along the way,

bitterly stings my face.

Yet I turn, I turn,

exulting somewhat,

with my will intact to go

wherever I need to go,

and every stone on the road

precious to me.

In my darkest night,

when the moon was covered

and I roamed through wreckage,

a nimbus-clouded voice

directed me:

"Live in the layers,

not on the litter."

Though I lack the art

to decipher it,

no doubt the next chapter

in my book of transformations

is already written.

I am not done with my changes.

Best of 2013

 

Best books:

1) For Whom the Bell Tolls- Hemingway

2) Shantaram- Gregory David Roberts

3) The Macho Paradox- Jackson Katz


Best Albums (even though I know they weren't released in 2013, they were my most listened to):

1) An Awesome Wave- Alt-J

2) Roll the Bones- Shakey Graves

3) Black Sands- Bonobo


Best Fashion Trends:

1) Statement necklaces

2) Chunky Heels/thigh-high boots

3) Embellished collars


Best Films:

1) Silver Lining's Playbook

2) Django Unchained

3) The Great Gatsby


Best Places Visited:

1) Hampi, Karnataka

2) Mandrem Beach, Goa

3) Portland, Oregon 


Best Shows:

1) GIRLS- Lena Dunham is a genuis

2) Breaking Bad.....Obvi

3) This last one is a tie between 'Summer Heights High' and 'The Mighty Boosh.' If you've watched these two shows you understand my dilemma


Best Blogs:
1) The Cedra Sessions 

2) Brene Brown

3) Brain Pickings


Other bests:

1) DOMA was ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. Yay equal-rights marriage!!!!!!

2) Mysore practice at the Yoga Fitness Center with my favorite teacher, Tane

3) Beers at Draught Works, Missoula


 

Embracing 2014

Last year, I made the courageous decision to act only insofar as they include my being, my future, and myself; I made a commitment to stop letting other’s expectations, or my projection of their expectations run my life. My-oh-my, things went big after I let go of the fear of letting people down.

To sum it up: I giggled profusely with friends over micro-brews, contemplated social justice with passionate classmates, supported wounded women with a listening ear at the YWCA, ran 21 miles on my birthday, graduated college with a 4.0, gallivanted around India for 6 months with a belly full of rice, witnessed the goddess transformation of my sister when she gave birth to my nephew, and settled down for winter with my loved ones in Colorado.

In reflecting on the past year, I can’t help but express profound gratitude for all of the ugly shit—chances I took, mistakes I made, kisses I shouldn’t have given—because in hindsight, these are the things that have made me grow. If I can sum up 2013 in one word, it would be ‘fearless.’ It has been fearless because I have been focused on growing even more into myself—cultivating that self-love and acceptance which for so long eluded me from contentment.

I read this quote by Neil Gaiman yesterday, and it really inspired me to keep this attitude of appreciating my ‘uglies,’

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”

            As far as resolutions go I am happy to say that there is nothing in my life that I feel needs drastic remodeling; that said, I am choosing this year to continue my commitment to self-love and acceptance in daily life. Now that I have been back in the states for a while, I recognize how vital it is for me to set-aside ‘quiet time,’ where I can be alone and am forced to reflect—to sit with my oscillating mind and siphon out the nuggets which need examining. Especially in a place where it is so easy to distract, to numb, to zone-out with food or drink or HD-TV—I must carve out a space for myself in which quiet contemplation of my self must take place.

            There you have it—for 2014, my task is to make a daily habit of ‘checking-in,’ and not allowing the days to wash over me in a haze of routine and petty frustration.

Parting-- Ranier Maria Rilke

 

I have felt what it is to part.
I know it still: a dark, invincible
cruel something, which reveals again
the depth of our bond, and tears it in two.

How unguarded I was as I faced it.
I felt you pulling me and letting me go,
while staying behind, merging with all women,
becoming nothing more than this:

a waving hand, no longer intended for me alone;
a waving that continues and grows indistinct.
Perhaps a blossoming plum tree
from which a bird has just taken flight.
 

Yogini Tunes

It's that time of year, when we hunker down (or rage on the ski mountain)...get cozy...make delicious treats...and of course, practice yoga!!!! :) this is my favorite mix at the moment. 

Vinyasa Power Yoga from NadjaDonner on 8tracks Radio.

Jocelyn Catterson Photography

I met Jocelyn in the Delhi airport around midnight, after the rest of our University group gathered their duffel bags and waited for taxis. The weeks we spent together, trekking through the Himalayas, pouring through academic journals about 'sustainable development,' sipping chai with too-sweet biscuits and gorging ourselves on Indian dankness, I came to find her exuberantly intoxicated with the experience of life-itself, a quality not found very often. Countless times, she would lock eyes with everyone in our circle as we gazed at a distant peak or giggled at some personal joke, and she would state (quite loudly), "I am so freakin' happy. I am in love with this space in time right now!" And this attitude is reflected in her photography. She captures those 'WOW' moments because--as far as I can tell--that is how she lives everyday, in awe of the beauty around her. Check out her website, order her prints, keep track of this wandering, talented spirit.

These are some of my favorite photos--

Excuses for Why We Failed at Love-- Warsan Shire

More Warsan Shire. My sis shared this poet with me and I'm' absolutely pulled from my bones to her words. This video is melancholic and speaks to depths of male/female intricacies through simple figurative language I find powerful and moving--as if we can always find shadows of our love in the quotidian interactions of the day.  Enjoy.

for women who are 'difficult' to love-- Warsan Shire

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.