Achilles

           About a month ago, I began training for the Portland Marathon. Around the same time, I got hired as a residential counselor with a local treatment facility. Since then, I have been working two jobs--60hour weeks-- and logging 20+ miles per week on the trails and in the streets. So it should have come to no surprise that injury was imminent.

            The tendonitis started small—an achy ankle after a run. Not something to call home about compared to how much pain the rest my body was in. But it got worse. After a 12mile run on pavement through the city, I came back to my house and collapsed in the yard. It felt like the nerves in my ankle were administering electro-shock therapy to themselves—pain shooting up my leg.

            Of course, being a stubborn runner and one with an affinity for schedules, I ran the next day—6 miles on trails hoping the soft dirt would help. The same paralyzing pain reared its head the moment I finished. I’ll admit I cried in my car for a bit before dragging my injured ass home. My mind was on a victim spiral—why is this happening? I never get hurt. This is fucking bullshit. Once I took a breathe, I thought, “hey maybe taking a week off would be nice.”

            After day one, I learned that going from 100mph to 60 is a jarring task for the anxious mind. Its amazing how filling your time with productivity can distract yourself from what is really going on in your life.

Running for me is like feeding my internal beasts narcotics. After I run, they’ll quit buzzing and drift away in an endorphin-fused stupor. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Obviously exercise is a wonderful outlet for anxiety and engenders peace of mind. But I am coming to recognize the importance of relativity— how certain behaviors that were once adaptive can be rendered maladaptive relative to the internal landscape.

             “How metaphorical,” my acupuncturist said in her oracle-esque tone,  “your Achilles.”

            I giggled, “So, what does this part of my body correspond with in Chinese Medicine?” I always have to prompt her expansion on enigmatic comments.

            She took a moment, “This is the grounding channel, the earth element, for your essence, your kidneys.” She smiled like the Cheshire cat, “Your soul is wandering. It’s exhausted.”

            It is interesting how the body forces us to do a control-alt-delete through injury. It is a great reminder of what I have been needing to do in my every-day life—slow down, survey the area, contemplate what is working, what’s not, what is contributing to my wholeness? 

            My Achilles heel: I have a weakness for taking on challenges, for using goals to distract me from the present, for lighting a bonfire in all areas in my life in the middle of a draught-ridden summer.

            Injuries are humbling, especially for the fiery among us. Another reminder on how I need to calm-down, cultivate awareness, and then use discipline to act on the nourishment of my soul.